Jessica Simpson is Hot ‘n Wet

This is Jessica Simpson from back in 2004, when she posed for Blender magazine. Admit it: don’t you look at her rack with new eyes with what you know about her now?

I know I do. Jessica complained that men now “undress her with their eyes.” Honey, we were always doing that to you.

From Wikipedia:

Jessica Ann Simpson (born July 10, 1980) is an American singer, actress, and television personality who rose to fame in the late 1990s. She has achieved seven Billboard Top 40 hits, and has three gold and two multi-platinum RIAA-certified albums. Simpson starred with her then-husband Nick Lachey in the MTV reality show Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica. She ventured into the country music market in 2008 and released Do You Know.

Us Weekly reports that Simpson recently visited some TV networks to pitch a reality series about society's scrutiny of women's bodies. The premise of the program, titled "The Price of Beauty": "She and a friend set off on a road trip around the world in search of what people find beautiful and why". Simpson will be hands-on with the show—and will even try some of the "shocking things that women do to make themselves beautiful". Simpson and her father Joe Simpson will serve as executive producers. The show will start airing on March 15, 2010 on VH1.

Oh my Ew

Why is this girl on the cover of Elle?

What is this crappy cover? That doesn’t even look like her…then again who’d want the real Jessica Simpson? Here’s an idiotic quote:

On her life changing incident:
“I was singing ‘9 to 5’ and I choked and forgot the words in front of the president and in front of Dolly Parton, who’s like the president to me. And the last time I sang in front of the president , I had messed up the lyrics to ‘God Bless America’ so its kind of a thing I have with George W. Anyway, I broke down and said I’m sorry in front of the whole audience. My dad was there. I looked him in the face and said, ‘I will never sing again.”

Dolly Parton? Are you shitting me? She’s probably the only country singer you know Jessica.

On her rocky love life:
“I was going through a lot of pain. I didn’t try anything to change my life other than dating different types of guys and conforming to their worlds. I thought I had to be artsier, more intellectual.”

You thought wrong…wait..you think? Your micro-sized cerebrum actually allows you to think? Jessica Simpson is just a washed up pair of torn jeans in the back of my closet…

Jessica Simpson makes me throw up

This is absolutely awful.

I’m sick and tired of seeing celebrities trying to look all innocent and sweet. What the hell is this kind of cover for an album? Do you know? Yes I know. You suck at singing Jessica Simpson- we all know. Hell, you got your ass booed you stupid bitch.

What are you playing at? You think everyone’s going to love you because you changed your genre to country? Def.not. Change isn’t working for you. Time to call it quits. You’ve been defeated.

Jessica Simpson didn’t get dumped

Jessica Simpson is furious that OK Magazine announced that she was dumped by Tony Romo.

Jess is pissed over an article titled “Jessica Dumped!” that appeared in the February 4 issue of the mag. The article claims Tony dumped Jessica after his team was eliminated from the NFL playoffs. Simpson’s attorneys say the article is “utterly false” and “is based on nothing more than rumor, gossip and innuendo.”

This chick MUST be crazy or bad in bed because there is no way a woman that looks like that can continuously get dumped. I mean seriously. If a chick is smoking hot, a guy will always make an excuse to keep her around. Especially if she’s worth millions.

Jessica Simpson’s movie makes $384

On the first day it was released, Jessica Simpson’s new movie, “Blonde Ambition” made just $384 (no…we’re not missing any zeroes there).

It only ran in eight theaters in Texas. Yes, apparently it’s that bad.

Jessica Simpson Molested By Another Girl?

Here is Jessica Simpson at the Frederick’s of Hollywood 2008 spring collection fashion show. Now, at a fashion show of a company that has the term “The Original Sex Symbol” trademarked for their lingerie collection, you’d expect loads of girls in lingerie. Unfortunately, that isn’t the case. However, what we do have is the appearance of Jessica Simpson being touched by another girl.

Not quite the “O” face I was expecting, but given Jessica Simpson’s past, I can’t say that I’m surprised that she was confused about the “weird sensations in her underpants.” After all, she’s the type of girl you’d expect to be confused about pretty much anything. I’m sure she’s still trying to figure out where the water goes when she flushes the toilet.